


the celluloid jams

by AbeTheDadtm



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, M/M, Multi, Rocky Horror Performers AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-12 03:24:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16865233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbeTheDadtm/pseuds/AbeTheDadtm
Summary: Calianna has always thought her roommate was a bit strange but never got involved with her colorful group of friends. That is, until someone drops out of Jester's Rocky Horror Picture Show performance troupe, and Cali gets pulled in.





	1. michael rennie was ill the day the earth stood still

Cali’s roommate was strange, but she didn’t question it. She didn’t question the multi-colored friends, the piles of corsets that Jester would embroider while watching soap operas, or the weird red tank thing lined with rainbow painted plastic she kept in the living room. She just smiled and served snacks when needed, staying out of Jester’s hair as much as she could. Part of Cali really wanted her to join in and be friends with them, but a bigger part of her said it was smarter to stay out of it, that big groups of people did more harm than good and she was better off on her own.

And she stayed that way. For a while.

Then Cali came home to Jester on the phone, pacing around the apartment. Cali froze in the doorway as she heard Jester cry out, “They. Did. What?” Her pacing quickened, and she fussed around the kitchen, making tea. “No, no, no Nott! Our first show’s in less than a month and they decide to bail on us?” She slammed the mug on the countertop, and Cali flinched, hiding a bit behind her sleek black hair. “Okay, so that’s good news, but where will we find a Janet? Bryce isn’t available for the show, remember? They have work.”

Cali slowly snuck inside, hoping to get to her room before Jester noticed.

She failed. Jester gasped and said, “That’s it!” before setting down the phone and hurrying to Cali’s side, clinging onto her. “Cali, I need the biggest favor ever from you! If you can’t do it, it’s okay, I know you have work and stuff, but we’re missing someone in our troupe and you’ll be so, so, so perfect for this role! It’s super easy, I promise, we’ll help you with everything.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Cali.

“I never told you?” Jester groaned. “Fuck! I forgot to tell you! My friends and I are doing a Rocky Horror Picture Show troupe thing and two of our people bailed and we need a Janet!”

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You’ve never seen Rocky Horror Picture Show?” Jester’s brown eyes were wide with horror.

“I told you, I had a...limited upbringing.” She’d already been through this when she had let slip that she had never seen the original Star Wars. 

“Yeah, but my friends and I have been watching that movie all the time! If you told me you were a virgin, I would’ve made you join in!”

At that, Cali furiously blushed. “I never told you I was a virgin.” She crossed her arms and tried to hide even more behind her face.

“I didn’t mean that, silly!” Jester nudged Cali in the side. “But if you ever need help with that--”

“Jester!” 

“Kidding! Just kidding.” Jester sighed. “Okay, but seriously. I need someone to play Janet. I’ll have you watch the movie tonight and you can see if it interests you. Okay?”

Cali got a little nervous. “I’ve never performed on stage...will I have to remember lines?”

“Kind of? You have to lip-sync. But other than that and blocking there’s nothing really to it. It’ll be really easy and fun, we promise.”

“Okay. Maybe.” Cali fiddled with her nails nervously. 

Jester hugged Cali tight and kissed her on the forehead, leaving a blue lipstick mark on her tan skin. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“I haven’t made any promises yet,” said Cali, trying to be teasing but failing miserably.

“Shit, I was on the phone with Nott. Lemme tell her to get everyone over tonight. Can’t miss you popping your Rocky Horror cherry.”

“People are coming over?” Cali asked. “Want me to start making snacks?”

“Get changed, first, Cali,” Jester said, pointing to Cali’s waitress uniform.

Cali nodded and went to her bedroom. It was a bit messy, cluttered with trinkets Jester had bought her and things she’d picked up at thrift stores. She went to her closet and grabbed a soft green hoodie and long brown skirt, changing into them, keeping on her socks in the autumn cold of the apartment. For a moment she lingered by the mirror and looked at herself, considering whether to push her hair out of her face or leave it covering the scarred portion of the right side of her face, with the remnants of what had once been deep scratches and bites from some unknown animal. Normally she kept it down, but maybe...She grabbed one of the headbands she had worn during job interviews and put it on. It was white and contrasted with her tan skin and dark brown hair. She shrugged and kept it in. Might as well.

She headed in the kitchen and started whipping up everyone’s favorite snacks. Nachos, cookies, popcorn. She made a bowl full of punch with the rainbow sherbet and Sprite and strawberry soda Jester liked so much. While she was setting up the food in the living room, someone knocked on the door. Jester came out of her room, tying up her dark brown curls, and opened the door.

In came some of Jester’s friends. One was Mollymauk, a tall, chubby person with deep tan skin and a beard and dark chest hair and tattoos all over, some trailing down their arms, some on their stomach, one rising up over their neck and up their face. They had bright purple hair that fell below their back and piercings all over their face. Around his arm was Caleb, a much smaller man with red hair and a fuzzy beard and glasses, and at their feet was a little person with tan skin and long, dark frizzy hair, Nott. Before the others could greet Jester, Nott came up to Cali and assessed her before saying, “Are you the one replacing Astrid?”

“Possibly,” said Cali, a bit confused. “Who’s Astrid?”

“She was our Janet before,” said Caleb. He had a soft German accent that was light and lilting. “She and her boyfriend Wulf...kind of flaked on us.”

“Oh. Yikes.” Cali set down the tray of nachos. “Well, come in, come in. I know it’s cold outside tonight.” She stopped and chided herself. “I should’ve made hot chocolate instead of punch!”

“It’s alright,” said Molly. “We all love the punch you make.” They sat down on the couch, making it creak, then swiped a clump of nachos from the tray. “Nachos are great, though.”

“Thank you!” Cali said from the kitchen, bringing out the bowl of popcorn.

Caleb settled down next to Molly, and Jester sat with her legs across their laps. “Thank you, Cali,” said Jester, dragging out each syllable. “We love you.”

“I love you, too,” Cali said. The two were really close, and so those three words came up often. She returned to the living room with the punch to find Nott perched on the top of the couch, in her usual spot, legs dangling by Jester’s head, feet bare. “So, what is it that we’re watching, exactly?” asked Cali.

“Shit, yeah, let me get that out,” said Jester, getting up and going to her room. 

Cali put the punch on the little table off to the side. Before she turned to go to the kitchen, Caleb got up and said, “I got it, Cali,” and went into the kitchen to grab the cups.

“Thank you,” said Cali. She followed him in to grab the cups and then stacked them by the punch.

Jester came out with the DVD. “Here it is,” she cooed, setting it down on the TV stand. “Basically it’s a very sexy movie and it’s very weird and basically you gotta watch it to understand it.”

“It’s...sexy?” Cali grabbed a cup of punch and nearly bumped into Caleb, who was right behind her.

“Very,” said Jester. “I mean, Frank-n-Furter is….hoomph.” Jester fanned herself. “Tim Curry was hot back in the seventies.”

“Amen to that,” said Molly, laughing as they crunched on another nacho chip. “Speaking of Frank...did you see the costume pics we posted in the group chat, babe?”

“Ja, couldn’t have missed them,” said Caleb. “Though I thought Beau’s reaction was funny.”

“The barf emoji? Yeah, I reacted with that, too.” Nott laughed.

“Cali, you want to see it?” Jester said mischievously. She pulled out her phone from her baggy hoodie and flicked around on it.

“Sure,” said Cali, sitting down on the floor by the coffee table.

Jester giggled fervently, while Molly laughed. “Don’t frighten the poor girl,” they said.

“I’ll try,” she said, then leaned down to show Cali the picture. It was of Mollymauk, wearing nothing but a black glittery top, black booty shorts, and a garter belt and stockings, winking at the camera. Cali blushed immediately.

“It’s...nice.”

Now Jester giggled even more. “Oh, you like it,” she said, dragging out the “like”. “Look at you. You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed.”

Cali blushed even more, wishing she hadn’t put on the headband so she could hide behind her hair. 

“Oh, don’t make it worse for her, Jessie darling,” said Molly, grabbing more nachos. “She doesn’t deserve that.”

“Don’t worry, Cali,” said Caleb comfortingly. “We’re just a bunch of assholes, that’s all. No need to waste your energy on us.”

A bit too late for that, Cali thought but didn’t say. She hoped they were her friends, really hoped, because otherwise, it’d just be her and Jester, and that’d be sad.

Someone knocked on the door. “That’ll be the others!” said Jester, getting up from the couch to greet everyone else at the door. With the open door came a rush of cool air. It was just starting to get frosty up where they were at, and the air was nice and crisp as it came into the otherwise warm apartment. 

Beau and Yasha were there, and Jester kissed them hello. Beau was tanned, muscular, with a boyish body decked out in blues and turquoises. She shivered from the cold. Yasha kept an arm around her, rubbing her back, trying to warm her up. Yasha was pale -- she had albinism in fact -- with light blonde hair dyed black at the ends. She was also impressively tall, at taller than Mollymauk, but not quite as tall as Caduceus.

“It’s fucking freezing out there!” said Beau. Now, more than ever, Cali cursed herself for not making hot cocoa. 

“You’re the one wearing a crop top,” said Mollymauk.

Beau glowered. “So are you, asshole.”

“Yeah, but I got blubber,” Molly said, squishing their tummy. “You,” he poked her stomach as she approached, “do not.”

“Shut up, asshole,” said Beau, crossing her arms. “You probably have some crazy demon blood in you or something.”

“Yes, and I want your soul!” Molly grabbed Beau’s arm and gripped it tight.

“Stop it!” Beau said in between laughs, quickly prying from Molly’s arms. “Fucking asshole.”

“Love you too, Beau,” said Molly, only half-jokingly.

“Love you too,” Beau muttered before grabbing some punch.

Someone else knocked on the door. Jester opened it. In came the rest of Jester’s friends: Caduceus, a tall, tan-skinned man with a broad nose and baby pink hair styled in a mohawk; Keg, a very short woman who had a subtle beard and short, slightly wavy brown hair; and Fjord, a dark-skinned man with dark dreads and piercings along his lower lip. Jester kissed Fjord and Caduceus as they came in, leaving blue lipstick marks on their cheeks. “Come in, come in, you guys.” The group peeled off their coats and piled them on a chair in the dining room, then found room for themselves on the floor or squished on the couch. 

Caduceus sat down next to Cali. He waved and smiled at Cali. “Hello.”

“Hi,” said Cali.

He opened his purse and pulled out some red lipstick. “Shall I do the honors, dewdrop?” he asked Jester.

“If she wants it, babe,” said Jester.

“What is it?” asked Cali.

“It’s a tradition for virgins,” said Jester. “You get a lipstick ‘V’ on your face. We’re gonna do it to the first-timers at our show.”

“Oh. Okay.” Cali brushed her hair back behind her ears.

Carefully, Caduceus painted a ‘V’ on Cali’s forehead with the lipstick, then put the lipstick on himself and knelt down to give her a kiss on the cheek. She blushed. 

“Aw, Cali,” cooed Jester. “You look so adorable.” She booped Cali’s nose and ruffled her hair. “I could just eat you up.” She moved aside and patted the couch. “Come up off the floor, Cali.” 

“But where will you sit?” Cali asked.

“I can just sit in your lap,” said Jester.

Cali shrugged. “Alright.” She got up and sat down on the couch, letting Jester settle in her lap, arms wrapping around her neck.

“Go easy on her, Jes!” laughed Keg as she jammed herself onto the recliner with Beau and Yasha.

Jester stuck out her tongue at Keg. “You’re just jealous, babe.”

Keg stuck her tongue out back.

Beau exclaimed, “Start the movie, babe!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” said Jester. She kissed Cali and got up, turning on the TV and DVD player.

“Why do you all call each other babe and stuff?” asked Cali.

“Because we’re dating?” replied Keg.

“All of you?” Cali blinked in shock.

“Not all of us,” said Jester. “Beau only dates girls and Yasha’s only dating Molly and Beau and me and Nott’s not dating any of us, she’s just our mom, but like. You know. We’re all dating.”

Cali’s eyes were wide. “You can do that?”

“Oh, honey,” said Keg.

“Of course you can,” said Yasha with her sweet, calming voice. “But only if you want to.”

Cali thought for a moment. Did she want to? She didn’t know. But the movie was starting now; there wasn’t time to think about that.

Jester crawled into her lap and giggled. “You excited to get your cherry popped?”

“You know terms like that aren’t scientifically accurate, right,” said Caleb, who snuggled Fjord and Molly, holding their hands. 

“Yeah, but saying it is fun!” Jester replied. “It’s not fun to say ‘you ready to get your hymen stretched?’”

“Shut up!” said Beau.

The movie started, and the experience watching it left Cali in a weird sort of awe. The others were constantly yelling at the screen, singing along with the songs, making all sorts of raunchy jokes. Meanwhile, the movie itself was a weird sort of wonderful. Cali had never seen anything like it. It made her gasp and flush and feel weird things between her legs, but she loved it in the best of ways.

“Imagine,” said Jester, who was snuggled up in Cali’s lap as the end credits played, “you playing Janet. You get to be her in front of a bunch of people. You want to do that?”

Cali nodded. “Yeah. I want to do that.”

Jester cheered, “She’s in!” and everyone raised their cup of punch and whooped. Fjord patted her on the side as best he could in the awkward tightness, and Caduceus rubbed her knee, and Jester hugged her and gave her a big blue kiss on the cheek, close to the lips, in an oddly intimate way that made Cali blush all over again.

As the movie finished and the gang wound down, everyone grabbed their last servings of nachos and popcorn and punch while Cali got up and worked on packing the leftovers, intent on not letting a thing go to waste. She was working in the kitchen when Beau walked in. “Can I grab another bunch of chips? Didn’t get dinner before this.”

“Oh, sure!” Cali opened the container and passed it to her.

Beau crunched on the chips. “So. You and Jester a thing yet?”

Cali shook her head. “No. Just friends.”

“You sure? Because Jester really likes you. Like. Really likes you.”

“I know that! She’s my best friend. Of course, she likes me.”

“No. Like she romantically likes you.”

Cali blinked. “Oh. Really?”

“Yeah. She got the same damn way with me, with Caleb, with Fjord, with Molly, with Yasha, with anyone she’s dating. She got all lovey-dovey and sappy and gave lots more hugs and kisses than usual. That’s just how she is. And you don’t have to like her back or anything, I’m just saying so you’re clear on everything. She has a big crush on you and you should probably talk to her about it.”

“Okay,” Cali said, nodding. “I will.”

“Good. Best of luck. Welcome to the gang. Just warning you, we can kind of be assholes sometimes.”

“Oh no, you guys are the kindest people I’ve ever met,” said Cali. “You’ve never pointed out my scars or made fun of my accent or bugged me for not knowing Maori.”

“That’s not the highest of standards, Cali.”

“But still. You’re all very accepting of me and you’re very kind and sweet to each other.”

“You clearly haven’t seen us much,” chuckled Beau in between bites of her chips.

Cali shrugged. “Fair. But still. I’m really glad we’re friends now.”

“I’m glad we’re friends now, too,” said Beau. She patted Cali on the back and added, “These nachos are amazing by the way.”

“Thank you,” said Cali.

“You’re welcome,” said Beau. She finished off the last chip and headed out.

Slowly, everyone trickled out until it was only Jester and Cali left, washing the dishes and putting them away.

Cali broke the silence. “So. Beau told me you liked me.”

Jester sighed and smiled. “Yeah. She’s right. I really do like you.”

“You like me, like me?” asked Cali.

“Of course!” said Jester. “You’re sweet and funny and you always do nice things and you’re really pretty.”

“Thank you,” said Cali.

“So...do you like me back?”

Hesitantly, Cali said, “I don’t know. I’ve never really done this before.”

“Really? You’ve never had a datemate before?”

Cali shook her head. “No. Never. I’ve never even really liked anyone before.”

“Oh. If you don’t like me, that’s okay. We can go back to being friends.”

“No! It’s okay. I...I think I want to. I’d like to try it out.”

Jester smiled. “That makes me very happy,” she said.

“I’m glad it does.”

They finished putting away all the dishes, and Jester took Cali’s hand, leading her to her bedroom. It was painted pink and covered in posters and printed out images of cute animals. Jester sat down on the bed next to Cali. “Have you ever kissed anyone before?”

“No, I haven’t,” said Cali, shaking her head.

“Really?”

“Uh huh.”

Tentatively, Jester took Cali’s cheek in her free hand. “Can I kiss you?”

Hesitantly, Cali nodded. “Yes, please.”

Jester leaned in and pressed her lips against Cali’s. They were a little sticky with lipstick and the kiss was awkward at first, but Cali closed her eyes and quickly melted into it. Jester kissed her again and again, pulling her down on top of her, hands wandering over her body. They kissed like that for a long while. Then Jester pulled away and asked, “Did you like it?”

“Yes,” Cali said, a bit giddily. “Can we do some more?”

“Hell yes,” said Jester, and she kissed Cali again.


	2. the future is ours so let's plan it

The first rehearsal was that Saturday, after repeated viewings with just Cali and Jester, until the beginning, at least, was drilled down into Cali’s mind by heart. Everyone was there, shucking their coats wet with the icy rain from outside, setting them over the theatre seats. The theatre they were using was small, with a modest space in front of all the seats that could be used as a stage. “Mama said we’re gonna be using one of these smaller theatres for the real show,” said Jester as she set up her laptop using the plug by the screen, sitting at the bottom of the little ramp that led to the emergency exit. “And we’ve got until twelve-thirty to do this rehearsal so two and a half hours or so. Not bad. We should be able to squeeze a lot in, right Nott?”

“Right!” said Nott with a little clipboard in her lap. “I trust you have the ‘Science Fiction Double Feature’ bit taken care of, Jester?”

“Yep! Cali and I practiced it and ‘Dammit Janet’ until we got both down. We just have to do blocking.” Jester’s travel DVD player whirred, and eventually, the movie began to play. “Keg, honey,” Jester cooed. “Can you do the pausing and playing?”

“Sure,” said Keg. She got up and went to the ramp, sitting down in front of the laptop.

Jester pecked her on the forehead and went to the front of the room while the others settled down in the seats. “So. What are we gonna do for ‘Science Fiction, Double Feature’?” Her eyes went wide. “Can I sit in people’s laps in between giving out candy?”

Nott shrugged and nodded. “Sure! Better than nothing.”

Keg played the song and Jester worked out the blocking, figuring out the pace she needed to go at to sit on plenty of laps while still making it up the stairs to the upper seats to give out candy.

Meanwhile, Cali shifted in her seat, a bit bored. Caleb, who was sitting next to her, turned towards her and said quietly, “So, you and Jester are dating now?”

Cali nodded. “After the party on Monday, we kind of made out?” She smiled, giddy with the thought of it.

“Yeah, Jester told us. Here, let me add you to the group chat. You have Discord?”

“Uh huh. Jester made me get it. Let me get my phone…” Cali pulled out her phone, an old and slightly cracked thing, and opened the Discord app. She showed him her username, and he typed it into his phone and sent her a server invite to “notty nott and the horny bunch”. Cali laughed a little at the name as she tapped on the link.  
[Calianna just slid into the server.]

The conversation leading up to it was a discussion of logistics to the theatre, and there was a channel dedicated to the polycule. The conversation in there consisted of selfies from the night before. Jester had one that she’d taken after Cali had fallen asleep, snuggled up together, with the caption “she’s sooooooooooo cute,” and a crying emoji. There was a selfie before that with Caleb and Molly and Fjord and Caduceus in front of a mirror in pajamas, makeup-free and tired looking but smiling wide. Then there was a selfie of Yasha and Beau and Keg, fresh out of the gym and still shining with sweat. In between each selfie were dozens of heart-eye emojis, several I love yous, tons of compliments. She panged a little with jealousy, disappointed she’s missed out on all this. But then she flipped through the selfies again and couldn’t help but smile at them. They all looked so wonderful…

“You looking at the pictures in the group chat?” asked Molly from Caleb’s other side.

“Yeah,” said Cali. “They look really good.” 

“You like anything you see?” Their voice was rich and seductive, and it made Cali’s blush even worse.

“Molly,” said Caleb with a warning tone, “lay off her. She’s new to this whole thing. Jester’s already enough for now.”

“I’m fine with it,” said Cali, shrugging. “Thank you for standing up for me but...I don’t mind the attention. I like it.”

“I like her,” said Molly admiringly.

Dramatically, Jester came back down the stairs and sat down in Cali’s lap. “To the late night, double feature, picture show!” she sang, arms waving dramatically. She hit Beau in the face, who hit her hand back. 

“Hey!” Beau said.

Keg paused the video. “Wedding scene,” she said.

“Let’s skip this,” said Nott. “We don’t have the people. Skip forward to ‘Dammit Janet’.”

“Okay,” said Keg.

While Keg tried to find the right spot, Jester leaned in and whispered to Cali, “If you don’t like my sitting in other people’s laps, then I won’t.”

Cali shook her head. “No, it’s fine.”

“Really,” said Jester, “I won’t.”

“No, I like it. It’s a good idea.”

Jester smiled and leaned in, whispering in her ear so close her lips traced against Cali’s skin. “You like when I sit in other people’s laps like a little slut, don’t you?” 

Cali’s blush returned with a fury. “Uh…”

“Got it!” Keg said.

“Break a leg!” Jester kissed Cali’s cheek and got up like it was nothing.

A bit unsteady, Cali rose to stand. Caleb stood as well. Nott directed them through the scene. The two knew their lines almost perfectly, they just needed to get the blocking down. After a good hour, they finished the scene, holding hands and getting on their knees right before the kiss.

“Do you want to kiss now or save it for after the rehearsal?” Caleb asked quietly. This was the closest she’d ever been to him. His eyes were so blue, bluer than anything, and he had a strong nose and soft jaw and good beard. She felt herself blush again.

After a moment’s thought, Cali nodded. She wanted this. 

“Okay.” He turned towards Keg. Out of the corner of her eye, Cali noticed Jester clapping excitedly and Molly leaning in. “Go back to before the I love you part.”

Keg obeyed, going back. They got up really quick, then did the part again, holding hands. “I...love...you…” At each part, they bent their knees a little more until they were both kneeling on the floor. Then they leaned in and kissed. It was a soft peck, but it was sweet and brought a blush to Cali’s cheeks again.

“Oh my God, that is so cute, you guys,” said Jester, squealing and wriggling in her seat.

Caleb looked over to them and smiled. “How was it?” Then he noticed Molly was holding his phone up. “Did you take a picture?”

“Maybe…” said Molly, awfully mischievous.

He sighed and shook his head, then turned to face Cali. “Was it okay with you? Were you comfortable with it? If not, we can just stage kiss or something.”

“No,” said Cali, pulling down her hair to hide her face a little. “I liked it.”

Caleb pushed aside her hair tentatively, looking at her with affection in his gaze. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“Come on, you too! We have the criminologist's scene next.” Nott interrupted their rapture with each other, making them both blush.

“Ja, ja,” said Caleb. He helped Cali up to her feet and they both returned to their seats.


End file.
